Hey Beng Beng.
I was recently watching this tv show called Crazy Ex Girlfriend (and though normally that’s a sexist and derogatory phrase she’s seriously crazy). For the entire series thus far we know her mother to be an emotionally abusive woman leaving psychological scars on her daughter that caused problems her whole life.
In this episode the main character accuses her mom of hating her, to which the mother responds that she loves her so much it makes her crazy and sick with worry all the time. And every time she’s harsh on her it’s because she only wants what’s best.
I understand this, to a degree. Abuse is abuse, no matter what light you frame it in. But there are reasons I can put up with, and reasons I can’t.
My own mother is insane. I drive her sick with worry, she drives me sick with paranoia. I’ve always had the feeling that I was never good enough for my mom. I always had the feeling that if I weren’t her daughter, she’d hate the person I actually am. I’m sure I’m not entirely wrong, but I know my mom is loving me in the only way she knows how.
That doesn’t stop the fact that many parents commit unintentional emotional abuse. A lot of my friends and I are too scared to talk to our parents about things, too scared to bring certain topics up, or we just get anxiety around our parents. We can’t be ourselves around them because they’ve never let us before and it won’t start now.
I hope I never instill that fear on you. I’ll love you no matter who you want to be in life. Whether you want to drop out of school and act, or go to med school and be a doctor, and anything in between. Whether you go to church every Sunday, whether you tattoo every ounce of your skin. I’ll love and accept you exactly as who you are.
I fear that because of my parental influences, I might turn out to be like them. But I’m going to do everything in my power to just be who I want to be.
Alright, now aside from unintentional parental abuse, there is also unintentional relationship abuse.
Whether it’s from friends or a boyfriend or girlfriend, there are people in this world who will make you feel bad and claim it’s for your own good. But they’re lying.
The truth is, they want to control you so much that they’ll do anything to make themselves feel better and claim it’s for your own benefit.
It may start out fun and light. But listen, no matter what, never let anyone tell you what to do or who to be. (I mean, listen to authority figures at the right moments, but you know what I mean.)
I have a handful of friends right now that are suffering at the hands of a relationship partner. I’ve suffered at the hands of a relationship. I’ve suffered due to friends.
Once upon a time, I was one of the monsters.
I grew up without a whole bunch of close friends, and it took me probably until middle or high school to form a healthy friendship. But before that happened, I really did and said some horrible things because I was afraid of losing control and afraid to be alone again.
One day you might make the same mistakes. But you listen to me baby, if you find yourself doing wrong, it’s never too late to make the right decision. One of the most important things I can teach you is that if someone says you’ve hurt them, you say you’re sorry.
Don’t say you didn’t mean to.
Don’t say they’re taking it the wrong way.
Don’t try to cover it up.
You do the right thing, and you apologize.
On the other hand, if you’re the one getting hurt.
Don’t try to let it go because you care about the one hurting you. Because that’s an increasingly prevalent problem I’ve noticed in my own circle.
If someone hurts you, you tell them. And it doesn’t mean you have to cut them out of your life, there are some things that can be talked through. But if someone really truly hurt you with no understanding of the consequences, you cut them out of your life immediately.
And if you’re ever hurting and you don’t know what to do, you come to me. You don’t have to tell me everything, or anything, just tell me you need comfort and mama will be there for you. I’ll always be there for you.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t hurt others, and don’t let yourself be hurt.